<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Boy In Black by fuckingkyloren</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28881177">The Boy In Black</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckingkyloren/pseuds/fuckingkyloren'>fuckingkyloren</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>2016: Kylo Ren is my boyfriend, 2021: I'm Kylo Ren's boyfriend, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Because it's fun, Begging, Bipolar Disorder, Body Worship, Boys In Love, Comfort, Coming of Age, Do people DRIVE in the Midwest?, Do they have taco trucks in the Midwest?, Drinking, Fingerfucking, First Dates, Fluff, I thought about writing a plot and I was like nah, I'm so in love with him, Kylo is so soft, Kylo's a switch, Let's get nasty, Light Dom/sub, Lots of it, M/M, Marijuana, New Relationship, OOC, Oral Sex, Overstimulation, Praise Kink, Reader has a slight drinking problem, Reader's got it, Reader-Insert, Romance, Sexting, Smut, Submissive Kylo Ren, There's not enough of it folks, Trans Male Character, Trans!Reader - Freeform, Weed, is briefly mentioned, so are you, t4t, trans!kylo ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:54:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,587</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28881177</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckingkyloren/pseuds/fuckingkyloren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if you dated Kylo Ren and you were both trans boys 🥺</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kylo Ren &amp; Reader, Kylo Ren &amp; You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Basement Show</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The basement was freezing, even with all the locals crowded together. You glanced at the bassist with perfect black hair. Who <i>was</i> that?</p><p>They were masc, wearing a resting bitch face and several piercings. Bridge, septum, labret. Yep, they were your type. You were so predictable. </p><p>Your eyes traced over the details: a sticker on their instrument - “ACAB” in bubbly Lisa Frank lettering. A black denim jacket with a flannel lining inside, the sleeves rolled up to their elbows, and pins on the pockets: a trans flag, a switchblade, and a wilted rose with tiny lettering on the stem.</p><p>If they noticed you watching, they didn’t bother to acknowledge you. They placed a set list at their feet with a red Solo cup as a paperweight. Then they huddled with the drummer to discuss something.</p><p>“You okay?” Paige asked. “Do you want a drink?”</p><p>Her voice pulled you back into your body. “Um, sure. Whatever you’re having.” As she crossed the room, you noticed your toes were hurting. Your nose too. Whose fucking idea was this show anyway? A cement basement in a midwest October is pretty much the definition of hell frozen over.</p><p>The music would start soon, according to the set times tacked on the wall. Someone’s post-adolescent scrawl read “Knight Rade - 10:00.”</p><p>Paige passed you a cold can of something. You glanced at the trendy label: a gray polygon overlaid on a buck’s head. You checked the other side for the more important info. 7% ABV. Perfect.</p><p>“It’s so colllllllld,” she complained.</p><p>You pressed the beer can to her cheek and teased, “Here, does this help?”</p><p>“Ugh, cut it out!” she snapped, grinning.</p><p>“So,” she gestured toward the band, “did you check out their Bandcamp? They’re really good.”</p><p>“No, I wanted to be surprised,” you said. You left out the fact that you had been glued to Breath of the Wild for half the day. Those rupees were not going to farm themselves.</p><p>“Well. Trust me, this will be worth it,” she said, and breathed into her clasped hands for warmth.</p><p>To be honest, you didn’t trust her. If past experience was any indication, this was going to be some gloomy shoegaze snoozefest. But at least you’d have that eye candy of a bassist to stare at.</p><p>But once the band started, you found yourself bobbing along. It might be overly moody, but they also rocked. You had no clue what the singer was saying through the brick wall of bass and drums. For a moment you thought a mosh pit might start, but apparently everyone in attendance was too cool for that.</p><p>Their set lasted all of 20 minutes. Your ears were ringing as the crowd cheered.</p><p>Paige raised her eyebrows at you. “Pretty great, right?”</p><p>“Pretty great.”</p><p>You hesitated.</p><p>“I think I’m going to talk to the bassist.”</p><p>“OooOoooOh!” she teased. “Be careful, he’s trouble!”</p><p>“Right, sure.”</p><p>Wading through the dwindling crowd, you felt a strange mix of fear and confidence. You knew how to talk. You were great at it. And he’s just a person, right? How bad could it be?</p><p>“Hey, you were great,” you blurted. </p><p>He looked up. “Thanks,” he said, but he sounded underwhelmed. The fear crept in a little more.</p><p>He swiped his hands together and stood up. “I’m Kylo.”</p><p>You took his outstretched hand and gave him your name.</p><p>“Oh, you’re Paige’s friend, right?”</p><p>You nodded. “Right.”</p><p>“Sick.”</p><p>He started wrapping cables and putting them in the front zipper of his instrument case. You watched his strong hands making quick work of it.</p><p>“So,” you continued as you followed him across the room like a lost puppy. “What’s the afterparty situation?” <i>Holy shit</i>, said your anxiety, <i>you sound so dumb.</i></p><p>“Oh, um….” He checked his phone, looking less than interested. “Here’s the- well, I’ll just text you. What’s your number?”</p><p>Your heart froze. Wow, you were sprung already. He handed you his phone and you added your number to his contacts.</p><p>“Thanks, Kylo,” you smiled. Just a casual namedrop. Smooth. “I’ll see you there?”</p><p>He was inspecting the PA, pondering the problem of how to unload it, but he paused and smiled back. “Yeah, see you there!”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Afterparty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tonight was surprising. You hadn’t been to a “party”-party since college. You liked drinking as much as the next guy, but milling around with strangers was not your ideal activity. But with Paige at your side and the promise of seeing Kylo again, you were down.</p>
<p>Paige pulled up to the rickety old punk house covered in peeling pink paint. A smattering of people were standing around in the yard, laughing obnoxiously, throwing back Solo cups. </p>
<p>She put the car in park and killed the headlights. You exchanged a look.</p>
<p>“Well, you wanted to come!” she said defensively.</p>
<p>“I know, I know. I just… ughhhhh.”</p>
<p>“Come on, let’s just make an appearance and you can flirt with Kylo some more.”</p>
<p>“We haven’t flirted yet, Paige.”</p>
<p>“Bah, I saw him smile at you. Don’t think I didn’t.”</p>
<p>“You’re a fucking stalker,” you laughed.</p>
<p>She laughed too and you headed into the party together.</p>
<p>Apparently the guests were relegated to the front and back yards, which you figured was a smart move on the part of the residents. A house full of drunk punks was a recipe for a lost security deposit.</p>
<p>You both decided on the backyard where it was a touch more private. There was a cooler full of Natty Lights floating in ice-cold water. <i>Sure, why not</i>, you thought as you fished one out. At least it was free.</p>
<p>Paige knew a few people there and she introduced you in her easy, outgoing way. You nodded along, trying to tie names to faces in your head. You hated when people forgot your name and you didn’t want to be guilty of the same. But man, was it a lot to remember - especially with your mind a little foggy from the drinks.</p>
<p>The conversation drifted from music to politics to story-telling amid peals of laughter. You mostly listened, feeling at once guilty about not contributing and afraid you had nothing interesting to say. But they were all easygoing and nobody played favorites. In fact one of the guys made sure to pause his story, touch your shoulder and ask you, “Wait, what were you going to say?”</p>
<p>“Oh,” you stammered. “Just that I know what you mean. It took me like four years to get over my fear of flying.”</p>
<p>He smiled and nodded. He was cute. You racked your brain. His name was Poe.</p>
<p>As his story continued, you spied Kylo over Poe’s shoulder. He was entering the backyard looking bored and tired and ready for a drink or four. You couldn’t figure out what was happening in your body. He did not seem like a very fun person, but something made you feel so drawn to him that you couldn’t calm down. You shook your hands out one at a time, passing your beer between them. Then you inhaled deeply through your nose and blew it out through your mouth.</p>
<p>Paige noticed your shift in focus. She smiled a devilish smile and elbowed you in the ribs. You recoiled. She knew you were ticklish. You half-hid your face with a palm and broke out in a smile that could not be denied.</p>
<p>Your friend bobbed her head as if to say, “Well???”</p>
<p>Poe seemed unbothered by this wordless side conversation. He had the rest of the group fascinated.</p>
<p>Kylo was talking with his bandmates and fiddling with his fingernails. You couldn’t help staring just a smidge. </p>
<p>Suddenly he looked up and across the yard at you, like he’d felt you staring. You waved shyly. He patted his friend on the shoulder and turned to walk towards you. Paige made a little squeeing sound. You tried not to pay her any mind, but found yourself waving a hand behind your back to tell her to be quiet.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Kylo said when he came within earshot. </p>
<p>“Hi,” you smiled. You didn’t break eye contact fast enough and he glanced awkwardly toward his feet. <i>Hoo boy.</i></p>
<p>“Having fun?” he said sarcastically.</p>
<p>“Oh, tons of it,” you said, matching his tone. </p>
<p>He nodded slowly and took a drink.</p>
<p>You were both just outside the circle of friends, who had moved on to another reenactment of one of Poe’s stories.</p>
<p>“How long have you been in Knight Rade?”</p>
<p>“From the start, almost two years. We’re still trying to get off the ground a bit.”</p>
<p>“I think you’ve got what it takes,” you insisted. <i>What are you, a judge on The Voice?</i></p>
<p>“Ha, thanks,” he said. “I think so too.”</p>
<p>You chewed on your lip.</p>
<p>“So what do you do?” he asked.</p>
<p>“I just started working at Pizza Down the Street.”</p>
<p>“Nice, nice. I’ve spent many a late night there sobering up,” he said.</p>
<p>“It’s an alright gig. Not as cool as yours.” <i>Wow, suck his dick a little more why don’t you.</i></p>
<p>The conversation went on like that for a while. You were so self-conscious that you had to mentally pinch yourself to stay engaged with what he was saying. You kept meeting his dark brown eyes and thinking <i>Holy shit.</i></p>
<p>Despite your nervousness, Kylo seemed to have a good time talking to you. His brooding aura lifted and he even laughed out loud a couple times. Paige had turned back to the group to give you some time with him. She could be a lot, but she wanted you to be happy. You smiled to yourself and played with the tab on your beer.</p>
<p>Eventually, Kylo’s bandmates walked by and told him they were heading out. “One sec guys,” he said. They shrugged and walked away.</p>
<p>“Sooo hey,” he said softly.</p>
<p>You raised your eyebrows in a silent question.</p>
<p>He tilted his head. “Would you want to hang out sometime?”</p>
<p>“Yeah! That sounds like fun.”</p>
<p>“Cool.” He was smiling bigger than you’d seen him smile all night. “I’ll text you.”</p>
<p>“Okay, have a good night,” you said.</p>
<p>When he turned to go, Paige gave you a gratuitous fist bump and ruffled your hair.</p>
<p>“Fuck yeah. That’s what I’m talking about.”</p>
<p>You couldn’t help but agree.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. So High School</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It made you feel young and free to be out drinking on a work night, when more responsible adults were fast asleep.</p>
<p>You met Kylo out front by the taco truck. He was bundled up in a scarf and beanie, the tip of his nose slightly flushed.</p>
<p>“Hey, you made it!” you beamed.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” He pulled his beanie down over his ears. “Should we go in?”</p>
<p>“Let’s do it.”</p>
<p>You turned on your heel and marched into the bar. You were feeling giddy already.</p>
<p>Once inside, you beelined for a table. You sat on a stool that was too tall for you, arching your feet and pressing your toes into the footrest.</p>
<p>Kylo put his gloves on the table and asked, “What are you having?”</p>
<p>You thought for a second. You should order something attractive.</p>
<p>“Gin and tonic?”</p>
<p>“Be right back.”</p>
<p>You watched him cross the room to the bar and lean on it, crossing one ankle behind the other. He was so effortlessly cool. He took his wallet out of his back pocket and paid for the drinks.</p>
<p>When he turned around, you quickly averted your eyes and pretended to text someone, but you were actually flipping through different apps at random.</p>
<p>You heard a small <i>clink</i> as he placed the drink in front of you. You locked your phone and turned it over.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Kylo,” you said. His name felt warm on your lips.</p>
<p>“Mhm. Cheers.”</p>
<p>Your drinks touched, and you noticed his was also a G&amp;T.</p>
<p>“You inspired me,” he said. He squeezed the lime wedge and dunked it under the ice. He seemed fidgety, now that you took a longer look at him. He rapped his fingers on the side of the glass. He was wearing black nail polish.</p>
<p>“So,” you both said at once.</p>
<p>You chuckled.</p>
<p>Kylo tugged on his beanie. “So, how was your day?”</p>
<p>“Not too bad.” You thought for a second. “Went to work… Went to Starbucks at like 6, so this will cancel it out I guess.” Kylo smiled. “How was yours?”</p>
<p>“I had rehearsal for most of the day. We’re trying to write our next album.”</p>
<p>“Oh, that’s exciting! How’s that going?”</p>
<p>“Honestly, Adam is being so annoying. He’s a control freak. Wants to keep doing the same thing over and over when the rest of us want to evolve our sound.”</p>
<p>You nodded thoughtfully. “Do you think he’s writing with your fans in mind?”</p>
<p>“Exactly,” Kylo said. “It’s better to ignore the audience and write whatever the fuck we want.”</p>
<p>“Yeah… Bands get a lot of flack for changing it up.”</p>
<p>“But there’s a right way to do it, you know?”</p>
<p>“For sure,” you said.</p>
<p>You both paused and took a drink. You watched him glance around the room. Was he nervous? Or maybe bored? You bit your lip.</p>
<p>Kylo looked back at you. The eye contact made you self-conscious, but you made yourself hold it for a second and you couldn’t help smiling. He smiled too, giving you a glimpse of his teeth. Your mind wandered, conjuring thoughts of those teeth grazing your skin.</p>
<p>The conversation was stilted for the first drink, but after another you settled into an easy manner. In spite of his bad-boy image, you could tell Kylo was really sweet. You made each other laugh and gradually flirted more as the alcohol dulled your inhibitions.</p>
<p>After a third G&amp;T you took a bathroom break, nervously pushing open the door to the men’s room. Who knew what kind of cis jerks might be at the bar tonight. You felt a weight leave your chest when you noticed the bathroom was empty.</p>
<p>Closing the stall door behind you, you took your phone out and saw a text from Paige. </p>
<p><i>Paige</i> 💁: <i>Updates???????????????? 11:03 pm.</i></p>
<p>You shook your head affectionately.</p>
<p><i>He’s sooo cute. I think we’re gonna kiss</i> 💘 <i>11:25 pm.</i></p>
<p>With your phone securely back in your pocket, you finished up and went back to your table.</p>
<p>Kylo wasn’t there. You looked to the bar. He was pouring himself some water. You went to join him and he poured you a cup without you having to ask.</p>
<p>“Thanks.” You threw it back in one gulp.</p>
<p>Then you leaned into him and said, “Let’s get some air,” louder than intended. You cringed internally.</p>
<p>Kylo nodded. You took his hand, emboldened by the liquor. He didn’t expect you to pull so hard, and he skipped a stride to catch up.</p>
<p>You left the bar at a brisk pace, and you were enveloped in cold as soon as you stepped out the door. You could see Kylo’s white breath drifting from his long nose. He looked gorgeous under the street lamps. He was quiet as the night.</p>
<p>You led him to the crosswalk, then turned down a residential street. He didn’t question it.</p>
<p>At the end of a street was a traffic barrier overlooking a valley. You mounted it, swinging your feet around, too fast for comfort but you caught your balance at the last second.</p>
<p>Kylo joined you. He sat so close, your thighs were touching. He put an arm around you and you leaned into him.</p>
<p>“It’s nice out,” he said softly.</p>
<p>“You’re nice out,” you blurted, then giggled.</p>
<p>“You’re drunk,” he said, shaking his head. But he looked amused.</p>
<p>“Mm, you’re spunk. Spunky.”</p>
<p>“Uh-huh.”</p>
<p>You threaded a few fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck, and you thought you felt goosebumps rising. You strained to kiss his neck. The angle was awkward, but his reaction was worth it. Kylo shivered, moved his hand to your inner thigh and squeezed. You nipped at his skin and he made a little noise. You could feel yourself throbbing in response.</p>
<p>Just then your balance faltered. You leaned back, flailing your arms, your pulse dropping into your stomach. Kylo grabbed your torso, stabilizing you. You let out a shallow laugh. His touch was so… authoritative. It turned you on.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” you said with a drunken simper.</p>
<p>“Hey,” came a voice from the sidewalk. Kylo looked over your shoulder. “You shouldn’t be up there.”</p>
<p>You opened your mouth to retaliate, but Kylo placed a finger over your lips.</p>
<p>“Okay,” he said dully. He dropped off the wall effortlessly, reaching out for your hand. You complied, but only because he looked so inviting. You didn’t exactly stick the landing. He held your hips to steady you again.</p>
<p>So the grumpy old man kicked you off his street. <i>So high school</i>, you thought.</p>
<p>Kylo put his arm back around your shoulders and you walked back toward the bar.</p>
<p>“You know, my apartment is pretty close to here.”</p>
<p>He paused. “Want me to walk you there?”</p>
<p>You nodded and he slipped his hand into yours.</p>
<p>You didn’t talk much on the ten-minute walk home. Your mind was racing. You felt his gloved palm squeezing yours. He was protecting you.</p>
<p>Then you reached the front door to your apartment complex.</p>
<p>Kylo hesitated. “You should be asleep, I think.”</p>
<p>You frowned. “Yeah I guess.”</p>
<p>“Can I see you again soon?”</p>
<p>Your heart leapt at that. “Definitely!”</p>
<p>He grinned. “Okay, great.”</p>
<p>You looked up into his eyes, waiting for him to move in, but he just looked at you with an almost pitying look. “Drink some more water before bed.”</p>
<p>“Yes, sirrrrrrr,” you drawled.</p>
<p>Kylo did an awkward little wave and said goodnight. You pictured disappointing Paige with your morning text tomorrow. </p>
<p>You watched him go, pulling his beanie over his ears again. </p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Tuesday Again No Problem</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The minutes clunked by, rough and ragged like a rolling suitcase down a flight of stairs. Every time you started to settle back into the workflow, something reminded you of him and your heart fluttered against your will. The sinister clock on the wall enticed you to check it constantly. You tapped your foot, wrung your hands, bit your nails. All this useless energy was draining your focus, and fast.</p>
<p>And yet you had to pay attention to the relentless influx of customers, each more entitled than the last. “What do you mean you’re out of pepperoni? That’s the most basic topping!” It took everything you had not to roll your eyes. You needed this job.</p>
<p>It was a challenge even to mentally register their orders, what with Kylo’s voice rattling around in your head. You replayed the date over and over, seeing his smile, watching his painted fingertips tapping on his glass. Your stomach did a flip. You wondered what he was doing right now. What he was thinking about, and if it might be you. </p>
<p>When the crowd dwindled momentarily, your coworker pulled you aside.</p>
<p>“You doing okay?”</p>
<p>Oh man. He did <i>not</i> want to know the answer to that. He only cared about you pulling your weight around here. You rolled your head to crack your neck.</p>
<p>“I just didn’t sleep well. Don’t worry about me.”</p>
<p>He looked skeptical but didn’t press the issue. You knew there was more he wanted to say, but he was too polite. Thank god for social niceties. If he had criticized you, you might have snapped.</p>
<p>You would normally eat a couple slices on your lunch break, but today the smell of pizza made you want to yartz. You walked aimlessly down the block, past a dumb pretentious coffee shop that was known for not even having a menu.</p>
<p>You spotted a taco truck and crossed the street to order some food. Sitting down on the curb with your carnitas tacos and salsa verde, you had to admit this was cheering you up. Nothing quite compares to the feeling of eating when you’re starving.</p>
<p>The sidewalk was pretty much empty, leaving you alone with your thoughts yet again. You scarfed up your food with no regard for how you may look. Another day of selling your soul to capitalism, another hard-fought hour to act however the fuck you want.</p>
<p>You belched and crumpled up the foil, careful to not spill any salsa or onions, then tossed it out and checked the time. You had 20 minutes left in your break.</p>
<p>Without any conscious effort, you watched your thumb open your text messages. You just couldn’t resist. You needed a little attention.</p>
<p>
  <i>Ughhhhh save me from work :( 1:11 pm.</i>
</p>
<p>You trilled your lips and stared at the screen until he replied.</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>Wish I could. Just a few hours to go. 1:15 pm.</i></p>
<p>He sent you a selfie. He was sitting on his bed with his bass strapped around his shoulder, making a peace sign and a cute little pout. His bedhead looked soft and touchable. His eyes were sleepy and the nail polish on his thumb was chipping.</p>
<p><i>Cutieeeee</i> you typed, then looked up at the sky and sighed with a dreamy smile tugging at your lips. A weak-looking cloud was hanging in the air above you, looking like the slightest breeze could scatter it into pieces. <i>You and me both, pal.</i></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Movie Night ;)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Kylo invited you over for a movie night, you wondered if it was code for more. Especially since he didn’t specify a movie, and you’d never discussed movies, and he didn’t even seem like the movie type.</p>
<p>You called him when you parked outside his apartment. “I’ll be right out,” he said. You tapped your toes on the cement like some kind of idle character animation. You felt nervous, but not paralyzed, now that you had some chemistry to build from. </p>
<p>He waved from the top of the stairs.</p>
<p>“Hiiiii,” you said happily while marching up to meet him.</p>
<p>“Hey, how’s it going,” he said.</p>
<p>You gave each other a quick hug.</p>
<p>Kylo’s apartment was clean and minimalist. In fact it matched him perfectly. A large painting took up most of the wall behind the couch, big bold swipes of color against the white wall. There were shelves of books and games - alphabetized, you noticed. The black couch was well-loved and the TV was a good size. That was everything you needed, you supposed.</p>
<p>You both decided on a nature doc about ocean life. At first you felt awkward, but you settled into each other’s company and it started to feel more like your first date. Kylo even slipped his arm over your shoulder and held you to him for the last several minutes of the episode.</p>
<p>Before you knew it, the credits were rolling. You watched him get up to turn the lamp on, then swivel around and pat his thighs like he couldn’t decide what to do with his hands. Your eyes met for a beat.</p>
<p>
  <i>Now’s my chance.</i>
</p>
<p>“So your piercing,” you said, gesturing toward your own lower lip. “Does it get in the way when you kiss people?”</p>
<p>Kylo pressed a thumb to his lip and smiled. “Actually, I think it adds to the experience.”</p>
<p>Your face lit up a bit. “Hmm, good to know.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’ve gotten good reviews.”</p>
<p>He sat back down on the couch, noticeably closer to you than he was before. Your eyes shot down, gazing at the carpet like it was the most interesting thing in the room.</p>
<p>Kylo placed a hand on your knee. “So.. you want to try it?”</p>
<p>You raised your head and nodded. No hiding now.</p>
<p>You looked into his eyes. The shadows cast on his face made him look carved from marble. The intensity of his gaze could have turned you to stone.</p>
<p>And the way he leaned in was downright cinematic.</p>
<p>Finally. <i>Finally.</i></p>
<p>Kylo started slow, pressing his lips to yours, his hand lifting to cup your face. You hadn’t imagined he could be this gentle. You felt lucky.</p>
<p>All you could hear was his breath. All you could taste were his soft, sweet lips, and then his tongue. He was teasing you with it. You were throbbing already. </p>
<p>He seemed so relaxed. He touched your waist. You felt him smile wide, then felt a sudden spark of lust when he bit you. You opened your eyes for just a moment. Constellations of freckles dotted his face under his closed, long-lashed eyes. Holy fuck, he was beautiful. You couldn’t believe he was real.</p>
<p>You were floating away but rooted to the ground all at once. Can he tell you’re losing it, choking on your heartbeat, your hands trembling?</p>
<p>Kylo was really going for it now. He moaned deeply. <i>That</i> was good. That was fucking pornographic. You had to make him do it again. You let out a little whine, littler than intended, and you felt your ears heat up. It almost brought you out of the moment, but your lack of control was like catnip to him. He was going to make you let loose. </p>
<p>He pulled away and got a good look at you. You breathed hard. He leaned back in.</p>
<p>You couldn’t slow down, and you didn’t want to. Your whole body was buzzing with excitement. This guy was probably the best kisser you’d ever been with. He was so attentive and so harsh. He wanted you.</p>
<p>“Mmm… This feels so good,” you confessed just before he gave you more tongue. He answered with a growl.</p>
<p>He cornered you into the end of the couch and swung your legs over his lap. <i>Well, fuck.</i></p>
<p>You played with his hair while you made out. The harder he went, the softer your response. When he grabbed your stomach, you nuzzled his forehead. When he scratched your skin, you sighed softly.</p>
<p>“Do you want to go upstairs?” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Please,” you grinned.</p>
<p>You trailed behind him up the narrow staircase to his bedroom. There was a black tapestry hanging over the window, covered in skulls and runes. There was a square, red rug covering most of the floor. His twin bed lay on a wooden frame in one corner.</p>
<p>As soon as the door closed behind you, he was on you again. He made no effort to hide his need because clearly, you loved it. You were moaning louder than before, your inhibitions melting away with each deep kiss.</p>
<p>He started guiding you toward his bed, not separating his mouth from yours. His breathing grew heavy as he sat you down on the edge of the mattress. Then he sat in your lap and you gasped in surprise. You circled your arms around his waist and he draped his over your shoulders. You bit his lip, then his jaw. He sighed and leaned into you, like he couldn’t manage to make enough contact to satisfy him.</p>
<p>You reached down to play with his ass and he whispered, “Yes…”</p>
<p><i>Fuck</i>, you felt so lucky. Your fantasies were coming <i>all</i> the way true. The guy you were obsessed with was grinding down onto your thigh like a dog in heat.</p>
<p>“Fuck. Oh my god, you’re so hot,” you whined.</p>
<p>“Mmm, you are.”</p>
<p>You could feel your heart stuttering against your ribcage, so forcefully it was approaching the sensation of a panic attack. But this was more like a pleasure attack.</p>
<p>You couldn’t get enough of each other. Your tongue was already getting sore with the amount of work you were putting in. You craved him. You <i>had</i> to prove it.</p>
<p>Kylo lifted his shirt over his head in one practiced motion. You felt him up all over. His skin was warm, his figure tight and sexy. You kissed his chest, your fingers roaming across his scars, and he moaned in approval. There was a thrumming in your ears like you were underwater. You heard his moans from far away - <i>mm</i> and then <i>oh</i> and then… your name. Now <i>that</i> felt good.</p>
<p>For a minute you thought you might go all the way, but Kylo started to slow down out of nowhere. He stopped grinding on your thigh and sat back a little. He held your face in both hands and met your eyes, his gaze so gentle you had to hold back a whimper.</p>
<p>“I think we should save this for next time,” he said.</p>
<p>This was not the same brooding, aloof guy that he presented to most of the world. There was a softness, a tenderness in his eyes that told you he wanted more than a hookup.</p>
<p>“Okay,” you agreed. You pressed your lips to his, more relaxed than before. His hands stayed there cupping your face while he returned the kiss.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Textual Tension</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Paige kept urging you to let go of your hangups about texting first. A few days after your first kiss with Kylo, you decided to give it a shot. Things escalated quickly.</p>
<p><i>Hey Kylo</i> 😊  <i>3:04 pm.</i></p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>Hey there. How’s your day going? 3:07 pm.</i></p>
<p>Fast response. Nice.</p>
<p><i>Pretty good so far, hanging out with my cat</i> 🐱</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>Cute. What’s your cat’s name?</i></p>
<p>
  <i>Millie! She’s the best</i><br/>
<i>She’s sitting on the couch with me while I play games</i>
</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>That sounds nice. I wish I had a pet.</i></p>
<p>You smirked to yourself and sent:</p>
<p><i>Aww</i><br/>
<i>You should come pet my kitty</i><br/>
🤦 <i>God that was so bad</i></p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>Lol. No, I liked it.</i><br/>
<i>I’m very excited for next time.</i></p>
<p>Right away you sent a screenshot to Paige.<br/>
<i>UM OKAY 3:12 pm.</i></p>
<p><i>Paige</i> 💁: <i>BITCH!!!!!!!! 3:12 pm.</i><br/>
<i>Make it happen!!!!!</i><br/>
<i>I am so proud</i><br/>
<i>You slut</i></p>
<p>🌈 🥳 👨❤️👨 👄 💦  <i>3:13 pm.</i></p>
<p>Two days later he texted <i>you</i> first, restoring a little balance to the universe. Things escalated quickly.</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>What’s up cutie? 10:41 am.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>Hey</i><br/>
<i>Just showered and basking in the warmth 10:53 am.</i>
</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>Where is it warm?</i></p>
<p>
  <i>All over my soft skin</i><br/>
<i>And my face, now that you asked me that</i>
</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>Mm I’d love to touch both.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>I would love that too</i>
</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>Now I’m touching myself thinking about making out with you.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>You’re such a good kisser I love it</i>
</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>You too. Having a hard time getting you out of my head.</i><br/>
<i>Not that I want to.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>God same</i><br/>
<i>Can’t stop thinking about you</i>
</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>What are you thinking about?</i></p>
<p>
  <i>Your lips.. Your hair.. Your eyes</i>
</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>You have very sexy eyes.</i><br/>
<i>Can’t wait to see what they look like when I fill you up.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>Fuck</i><br/>
<i>I’m excited to return the favor</i>
</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>Oh yeah? You want to taste me?</i></p>
<p>
  <i>I need to taste you</i><br/>
<i>Sit on my fucking face and dont get up</i><br/>
<i>My knees are literally weak</i>
</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>I’ll fucking soak your face in my cum.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>Yes</i><br/>
<i>Youre all I can taste and all I can smell</i><br/>
<i>I only breathe when you say so</i>
</p>
<p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>Good boy.</i></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Come Over</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>What if you actually weren’t as much fun as he thought? What if you were too shy to do all the stuff you talked about?  What if he looked at you in the daylight and changed his mind? He was too hot for you. Paige had texted with you late into the night, reassuring you that someone being “out of your league” was a myth and you were desirable no matter what. But she was your best friend, she had to say that stuff. Of course you would say the same about her, and you were supposed to treat yourself with the same care and compassion. Etc, etc. This shit is too hard. You had years and years of experience hating yourself, and it would probably take an equally long time to reverse it.</p><p>You scrolled back through your texts with him, reminding yourself of the flirtatious things he’d said, everything that signaled his interest. You racked your brain for memories of being with him, making him laugh and making him moan. It wasn’t quite sinking in. You felt stranded by fear.</p><p>Kylo texted you that he was stuck in traffic. You plopped down on the couch, sighing. He lived several miles away. Were you even worth the trip?</p><p>You wanted to smack yourself in the head. You wanted to grind up your phone in the garbage disposal and go for a long long walk. Then life could go back to the way it was just two weeks ago, before you met him. That wouldn’t be so bad. You could bail early and save yourself some pain. Keep the upper hand. It was a very tempting prospect.</p><p>You distracted yourself with everything at your disposal: Youtube, dishes, your cat. You couldn’t quite manage to turn your brain off.</p><p>Then your phone buzzed again.</p><p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>Almost there. 2:36 pm.</i></p><p>“Okay. Okay, it’s okay,” you told yourself. You ran a hand through your hair and closed your eyes. “It’s okay.”</p><p>You sent back a <i>See you soon :) 2:37 pm.</i></p><p>You smiled, visualizing the moment he walked into your apartment. Would he pin you against the wall and make out with you? In a few minutes you’d know. Ugh, fuck. Dating is so scary.</p><p>It felt like an hour before he texted you again.</p><p><i>Kylo</i> 🌹: <i>Just parked. 2:44 pm.</i></p><p>You exhaled and grabbed your keys. <i>Coming out front! 2:44 pm.</i></p><p>And then you were at the gate, and he was coming around the corner, and you were wiggling your toes in your ankle boots. And then he was in front of you, and your heart was thumping hard, and you both said hello.</p><p>You gave him a friendly hug. Lame.</p><p>While you walked him to your apartment, he reached for your hand. Not as lame. You noticed a subtle tremble in your fingers, hoping he couldn’t tell.</p><p>And then you were at your apartment, and the key was in the lock, and Kylo closed the door behind you. You draped your arms over his shoulders. <i>Let’s get this show on the road.</i></p><p>Kylo looked into your eyes. “Hey,” he said.</p><p>You looked down, flustered. “Hi.”</p><p>When you looked back up he cocked an eyebrow. His hands traveled to your lower back, nudging you closer. He held you there and kissed you, showing you all over again how talented he was. Fuck, it felt good to kiss him. Your anxiety was caught in your throat. Your mouth was open in total submission, accepting his tongue, shyly nibbling his lower lip. It was thrilling. You were along for the ride, and he was the only solid thing you could grasp.</p><p>You never wanted to stop kissing him. You never wanted to breathe air that wasn’t shared with him.</p><p>Kylo moaned, louder than you expected, and you felt a surge of confidence. Maybe Paige was right. It sure sounded like he desired you.</p><p>You started pulling away and he chased your mouth, not ready to let go. His passion moved you to boldness and you traced a line down his back with your fingertips. Your hand found one of his belt loops and you tugged it coyly, then slipped a finger under the hem of his boxers. Kylo snatched a fistful of your hair and forced your head back. You looked up at the ceiling, helpless, and felt him lower his mouth to your neck.</p><p>Oh god, that was the spot. That always did it for you. It didn’t matter what he did with what combination of lips and tongue and teeth, it all turned you on like crazy. If he could feel how wet you were right now he’d probably laugh. And then suck you off til you couldn’t move.</p><p>All the things you talked about were buzzing in your head. Holy shit, this was really going to happen. You pictured him back at that basement show when he first caught your eye. He was wearing the same black denim jacket today. Except now he was sucking your neck like a vampire. So eager. He needed you.</p><p>You were gasping for air, eyes rolling back in your head, already feeling so slutty for him.</p><p>“Come on,” you said, showing him to your bedroom. You laid down and splayed out a little. Where was that shyness now?</p><p>Kylo sucked in a breath and shut the door behind him.</p><p>“You’re so sexy,” he said.</p><p>He joined you in bed and straddled one of your legs. His weight on top of you was a guarantee. You weren’t going anywhere. </p><p>You felt him kissing you hard and starting to grind against your leg. He bit your lip and shoved his tongue into your mouth. <i>Fuck yes, he wants me so bad.</i></p><p>You were a switch, but meeting his energy made you default to submission. He was just so… rough. He seemed ready to consume you.</p><p>He moved to your jaw and you arched your back. He kissed down your neck to your collarbone, across your collarbone to your sternum. His lips were so soft.</p><p>“<i>Kylo</i>…” you sighed.</p><p>Hearing his name must have excited him, because he bit your chest hard and then licked the sore spot. He switched sides and did it again. Your fingers found his hair and cradled him to your body. So close, but you needed him closer.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Dyad I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was something irreplaceably great about fucking another trans guy. Some groundwork of technical skill, borne from shared embodiment - that was enough to make the sensations fucked-up good. But also… you felt so safe. It was something spiritual. He didn’t just look. He could see you. He didn’t just believe you - he knew you. </p>
<p>He met you there in that unique state of consciousness you couldn’t quite put a finger in. On.</p>
<p>“Do you want more?”</p>
<p>“Yes, god yes please-” you seized up everywhere. Throat, chest, gut, hole.</p>
<p>“You need to relax if you’re going to take more.” He pulled his fingers out of you and sucked them hard. You hid your face. A drop of sweat pooled behind your ear and soaked into the pillow.</p>
<p>He moved your hand away, pinning it next to your head. </p>
<p>“Don’t.”</p>
<p>He wanted to see you blush. You felt the heat in your face and your chest, even blooming out to your shoulders and your tattoos. They felt fresh. They felt tight.</p>
<p>He reached up and you could smell your precum on his hand. His lips were parted, eyes trained on yours, turning his head only slightly to kiss your shaking knee. Then his fingers were in your mouth. <i>Deep</i> in your mouth.</p>
<p>“There you go,” he said. His voice was warm like incense, warm like your mouth, wet like the back of your neck.</p>
<p>You loved bearing witness to this place he went. His guard was down. He was letting himself need you. </p>
<p>And you were there with him. Open and ready. Gagging on his fingers, showing off.</p>
<p>“Good. Good boy.”</p>
<p>He settled back between your legs. The pressure was immense as he sucked a red hickey into your inner thigh. His forceful lips and grinding teeth bent your sensitive skin to his will. You couldn’t help seizing up a little.</p>
<p>Not unlocking his mouth from your skin, he easily slid his fingers back into you.</p>
<p>You were biting the back of your hand, smiling a big surprised smile. His eyes met yours and locked you in.</p>
<p>“You’re such a good slut.” <br/><i>Clench.</i><br/>“God, look at you.” <br/><i>Squeeze.</i><br/>“Look how you swallow my fingers.”</p>
<p>He was totally focused on fucking you. If he were anyone else, you would have felt self-conscious. So intense and up-close, you couldn’t squirm away. But you knew he wasn’t judging. Your body didn’t need to change for him. You were his good boy and he was loving it.</p>
<p>He fucked you slow and deep, sucking your dick at the same time. You shuddered. How was he so good at that?</p>
<p>Kylo grunted. “You taste so fucking good.”</p>
<p>You felt your ears turn bright red.</p>
<p>He sucked harder and you yanked on his hair.</p>
<p>“You like that shit?”</p>
<p>“Yes sir, yes sir,” you gasped.</p>
<p>“Mmmmm.”</p>
<p>He ate you shamelessly, wet smacking sounds announcing your readiness for the world to hear. You begged in rhythm with his thrusts, “Oh- fuck- yes- Ky- lo- <i>unhh</i>…”</p>
<p>“Cum for me, baby boy.”</p>
<p>That pet name hit you like a gale. If you had been standing it would have knocked you over. You squirmed, looking up at the popcorn ceiling. </p>
<p>“Look at me when you fucking cum for me.”</p>
<p>“Fuck, holy fuck,” you whined. Now the eye contact was <i>really</i> uncomfortable. But that made it more erotic too.</p>
<p>Kylo was sucking your dick hard, pushing his tongue flat against it over and over in a steady pulse. His fingers were in you, beckoning slightly. He had you surrounded. </p>
<p>While he worked he kept his dark eyes trained on you. He was going to <i>make</i> you cum no matter how shy you felt about it.</p>
<p>You cursed and shook and stared back at him. Your mouth fell open.</p>
<p>Your cock was twitching in his mouth, getting more sensitive with every lick. He wasn’t letting up. Your moans stopped suddenly, your breath freezing in your lungs. Then a massive wave of pleasure coursed through your nerves and you wailed. It was an animal sound, the sound of a wild coyote lost in the desert. As he drew it from you, you felt your shame dissipating. You held the back of his head and pressed him against you, riding his face until you got your fill.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Kylo’s strong frame caved to your touch. You were straddling his hips, sitting back on his crotch, holding both his hands. You lifted his fingers to your mouth and kissed them one by one. He tried to put them in your throat and you bit down. You watched his face contort in surprise and arousal.</p>
<p>You bent down and kissed him, sliding your tongue past his teeth and letting him suck on it. He was very obedient all of a sudden. You broke away and widened your eyes threateningly. He made no effort to get out from under you. He just looked up, his eyes pleading silently for more touch, more aggression.</p>
<p>His skin tasted musky as you sucked on his neck. You heard his breath coming quicker, but no sounds escaped him yet.</p>
<p>You worked your way down his body, biting and kissing as you went. You kissed his pecs, his scars, his stomach, his happy trail. You moved back up to his neck, just to be a tease, then bit his shoulders and all down his arms to his fingers, just barely taking them in your mouth and sucking on the tips. You squeezed his sides, grabbed his ass, nuzzled your face into that sexy line joining his hips to his pelvis. He gasped and squirmed. You were making him so needy, one kiss at a time, and the knowledge of his need was intoxicating.</p>
<p>You sat on your knees at the foot of the bed. “Spread your legs,” you ordered.</p>
<p>He obeyed before you even finished the sentence. He spread them wide, then brought his knees up and held them apart for you.</p>
<p>You marveled at the sight of his big dick and his pink hole, the plush mound of soft, curly pubic hair calling your name. This boy was begging to get sucked and fucked.</p>
<p>You supported his right thigh with your hand, reaching the other under his left thigh to lock your fingers together. Kylo squeezed hard and you felt his sweaty palm slip against yours.</p>
<p>You kissed his dick as lightly as possible. You watched his eyes flutter shut, his chest rising in anticipation. The sense of power you felt right now could turn a prince to a dictator.</p>
<p>Still moving painfully slow, you pressed your nose straight into him. He smelled like sweat and piss and effort. Swiping your tongue on his lips, you found he tasted just as good.</p>
<p>And then he started moaning in his thick, deep voice. Sweet sounds fell from him as he relaxed into the sensations. </p>
<p>He spread his fingers against your scalp, pushing your hair back from your eyes. You started going down in earnest, tasting him, sucking him, using your teeth a little. You spat loudly onto his dick and took it into your mouth, swirling around it with your tongue, folding your lips over it. Anything to get more sounds out of him. You were pinned to this moment like a tack to the wall. Your mouth was made for this.</p>
<p>Kylo groaned in pleasure. His thighs started to close and you pinned them back open. </p>
<p>“I… I…” he choked.</p>
<p>Your mouth was full so you answered with a grunt.</p>
<p>“I need you,” Kylo said.</p>
<p>You let his dick fall from your mouth with a <i>pop.</i></p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>“I need you.” His tone was so sincere, you thought he might cry.</p>
<p>“Here I am,” you said. “You have me.”</p>
<p>At that he practically melted. His grip on your hand loosened and his legs splayed wide, his knees hitting the mattress.</p>
<p>You slid your middle finger into him and it was immediately engulfed in his precum. His hole was a sloppy mess for you. You teased him with slow penetration and sucked your own finger greedily. Then you added another finger and fucked him the way he needed it.</p>
<p>He squeezed your fingers tight like he was milking a cock. You pushed them in and pulled them out with deliberate force, just enough to build him up towards climax without letting him over the edge. He was moaning freely now, giving himself up to you.</p>
<p>“You’re being sooooo good for me,” you praised. Your voice was silky smooth, drenched in desire. You felt him clench.</p>
<p>“I want to be good. I want to cum for you,” he said.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna make you cum on my tongue.”</p>
<p>“Pleaaase,” he said with a coy smile.</p>
<p>You put your mouth back on his dick and suckled it, still fucking him slow with two fingers. When his grip on your hair tightened, you fucked him faster and harder. Your knuckles were slamming against him so hard, you could feel them hitting his pelvic bone. Your lips coaxed him without any rhythm; you were just barely holding on at this point.</p>
<p>Kylo moaned your name over and over, sprinkled with pleases and yeses. You couldn’t be happier to be there between his legs, servicing him. He tasted better and better the wetter he got. The flavor made you drool like a dog.</p>
<p>You took in a sharp breath through your nose and sucked his dick with intensity, thinking only of making him explode. The pain in your jaw didn’t even register. You were on a mission.</p>
<p>Now it was your fingers that lost their rhythm, so you shoved them deep inside to keep him nice and full. He was grinding on your face, yanking too hard on your hair but you didn’t give a shit.</p>
<p>You were both louder than ever, just two animals getting off. The reward centers of your brains were on fire. The boundary between your bodies was blurring into nonexistence. You were inside him, on him, with him, you <i>were</i> him.</p>
<p>His legs shook and his back arched as you kept sucking him off with no mercy. You gripped his thighs to hold him in place. </p>
<p>“Ah.. ahh!” he gasped, hungry for air and starving for release.</p>
<p>Your eyes were clamped shut in total concentration. Your fingers twitched inside him, following the desperate workings of your tongue. Kylo’s hole squelched as you slurped his precum.</p>
<p>He came on your face with a quiet, strained sob that lasted longer than expected. You fucked him through it with eager devotion. His voice cracked on a rising inflection while every muscle in his body vibrated with pleasure.</p>
<p>You kept sucking until he couldn’t take anymore and he wriggled away from your mouth. You pulled your fingers out, letting your hand fall to the side, and rested your head in the crook of his thigh. You panted hard, gazing up at him with a soft satisfied look. He huffed out a laugh and ruffled your hair.</p>
<p>“I don’t think anybody’s made me cum like that before. Holy shit.”</p>
<p>You giggled, pulled a pube from between your teeth, and kissed his shaking thigh.</p>
<p>“Thank you.”</p>
<p>“Mmmmmmmmhmm,” you hummed, content to stay between his legs until he patted his chest to ask you to come up and cuddle.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Riptide</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your heart sank as he sat up. He ran a hand through his hair, looking back at you and searching your face. He looked concerned. Were you that obvious?</p><p>“You okay?”</p><p>Alright, so you were obvious.</p><p>“Don’t want you to leave,” you moaned in your best sleepy voice. Setting up the classic “just tired” excuse.</p><p>Kylo cocked his head to one side. You hated not knowing what he was thinking, while he seemed to read your mind.</p><p>“Sorry. I have to be up early.”</p><p>“Boooooo.”</p><p>He laughed. “Well… What are you doing on Thursday? My friend’s band Rosewatter is playing at the Scrap Heap.”</p><p>You pretended to think. </p><p>“I think I’m free.” (You knew you were free.)</p><p>“You want to join me?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’d like that,” you smiled. (You would love that.)</p><p>“Okay, I’ll text you.”</p><p>“Sounds good.” (It sounded like agony and ecstasy all at once.)</p><p>Just like that, the weight was lifted. You had plans. It was an incredible power to give someone, putting your happiness in his hands. But you felt it pulling on you like a riptide. Nobody ever told you losing your sense of self could feel this exhilarating.</p><p>You watched him get dressed, all black like always, and the urge to take a picture tickled your brain. He pulled on his jacket and patted three different pockets.</p><p>“You got everything?” you asked.</p><p>“Think so,” he nodded.</p><p>You stretched out dramatically, trying to look cute. Kylo leaned down for a goodbye kiss. It was soft and sweet. Thoughtful. You bit his lip, wanting to make him needy. If you had just another hour you could make him cum some more, could make yourself unforgettable.</p><p>Then again, leaving him wanting more was another way to keep him around.</p><p>You sighed in contentment when he pulled away. You were actually feeling sleepy now, thank god. You could roll over and be unconscious before you started missing him.</p><p>“See you soon.” His eyes seemed to say, “Don’t freak out.” What a great bedside manner. </p><p>That night you dreamt of him between your legs, his hands pinning your hips down. </p><p>***</p><p>Okay, so maybe you should have smoked less instead of trying to prove you could keep up. But sharing a joint with Kylo had felt so romantic... </p><p>Now everybody is definitely watching you. But they can’t tell how good your hearing is. They don’t know that YOU know they’re commenting about you dancing to the intermission music. So what if you’re alone in the scattered crowd? It’s your right to carve out a personal space. Just don’t think about them calling the cops or the EMT. You’re not doing anything wrong - they have no reason to do that. You’re getting ahead of yourself. How long until 10? Holy shit, you just thought all those thoughts in the span of a few seconds. It’s like a dream. A very unpleasant melatonin-induced funhouse mirror dream. Oh god where’s Kylo this is getting scary.</p><p>Just then he came up next to you. Kylo placed a hand on your waist, sensing something was off. He searched your eyes, which were no doubt glazed over.</p><p>“Wow, you are stoned. You feeling okay?”</p><p>“Um……” it was hard to talk. “No.”</p><p>Kylo looked worried. “Let’s take a break, it’s really loud in here.”</p><p>You nodded vacantly.</p><p>He took your hand and led you to the back patio, charging through the clusters of people all conversing loudly. Their roars of laughter seemed pointed. Threatening.</p><p>Kylo joined you on a rickety bench outside. You leaned on him, hiding your face in his neck. </p><p>“Uuuuuuugh, I don’t feel good. I’m sorry.”</p><p>You watched his stomach rise in a resigned breath. You felt his fingertips tickling your scalp.</p><p>“It happens to everyone. Just chill.”</p><p>“I don’t want you to miss the show,” you whined, cringing internally at your childish tone. “Let’s go back in but stand in the back.”</p><p>“Okay, in a second.”</p><p>Your heart was pounding hard in your temples. You just wanted this feeling to go away.</p><p>At least your boyfriend was jacked. You chuckled at the thought. Nestled in his embrace was a good place to be, in this state. At some point you must have started to doze off, because he had to nudge you awake.</p><p>You blinked, feeling confused. Like taking a 6-hour nap and waking up to the sunset.</p><p>“They’re starting I think,” Kylo murmured. “How are you feeling?”</p><p>You yawned and took inventory of your senses. Vision - still a little wonky. Hearing - seemingly normal. Heart rate - much better.</p><p>“I feel good. Let’s go!”</p><p>“Okay, if you’re sure-” but you were already up and at ‘em, trying to tug him off of the bench.</p><p>He stood and kissed your forehead.</p><p>The band was unforgettable that night, and so was the little scene you made. But Kylo didn’t mind. He knew where you were coming from and only cared about making you feel better. That lucky feeling was back in full force as you walked back to his car. You felt his arm around you and listened to him rave about the rhythm section. He was with you. You were happy.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Dyad II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Between his legs, you were free. </p>
<p>You loved giving him what he needed. Trying different things, hearing his moans and judging them like they were a clap-o-meter lighting up. “More…. More!” You were learning, nice and slow, how to get him desperate for your touch. For your permission. The distance between you was closing with each swipe of your tongue. One hand on his thigh, the other hand clasped in his. You closed your eyes and settled your attention there in his wet heat. His breath was slow and controlled. For now.</p>
<p>Between his legs, you were happy. Gazing up at him, watching his head loll back in ecstasy, his long eyelashes falling shut. Moments later, your face fully pressed into his crotch, eyebrows getting sticky, purple spots pulsing behind fluttering eyelids. Your rhythm felt practiced, but spontaneous. You flooded his bloodstream like a shot of booze, coaxing those sweet whines out of him. Next time you wanted to handcuff him so he couldn’t clasp a hand over his mouth. He would have to let it all out. You’d be able to see him turn bright red from the neck up.</p>
<p>Before long his thighs were speckled with hickeys. You’d never get tired of that, you were sure. You didn’t want to stop until his skin was a bona fide Jackson Pollock of reddish-purple and greenish-yellow. Any time one bruise disappeared you’d suck twice as hard to leave him a replacement.</p>
<p>Between his legs, you were useful. You were doing some good. There was someone here, <i>right here</i>, someone counting on you. Even if it seemed insignificant in the grand scheme. Right now, you were his stress relief.</p>
<p>Kylo Ren was yours. You knew it because he wouldn’t stop saying it. His surrender was so sweet. On his back, waiting for instructions. His only words were “please” and “yes” and “fuck.” You watched his chest rise and fall in rapid, shallow breaths. Beads of sweat dotted his brow, barely illuminated in the low light. His tight grip on your hair. The intense taste of him. Time slowed and stretched, then hit you all at once when you pulled him over the edge once again.</p>
<p>This memory will be permanent, for better or worse.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Dyad III</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The pleasure was so complete, you could have cried. He must have made you cum ten times already, but you seemed to watch yourself from afar, grinding on his thigh again. His fingers found your hips and dug into your skin. He kissed you hard.</p>
<p>
  <i>How many orgasms can a greedy slut need?</i>
</p>
<p>Through a shaky breath you pleaded, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”</p>
<p>“Nothing,” he said. “You’re perfect.”</p>
<p>Every shuddering climax carved out more room in your stomach. This hunger was something ancient. You never knew it could feel like this. You couldn’t get this from anyone else. It was him, only him, forever him. </p>
<p>“I’m going to push you to your limits. See how many times I can make you cum.”</p>
<p>“<i>Kylo</i>…”  Your voice pitched up pathetically on that vowel. You had no shame left. You had no pride either.</p>
<p>And the sound you pulled from him then? Was that for real? <i>Don’t overthink it,</i> you pleaded with yourself. <i>Just be here.</i></p>
<p>Kylo groaned into your mouth, sharing his hot breath with you. You were getting close.</p>
<p>You pulled his hand down toward your dick, spreading his fingers playfully. He watched you bite your lip.</p>
<p>“Mmm, oh, are you trying to ask for something, boy?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” you gasped. “Unh, yes…”</p>
<p>“Yes what?”</p>
<p>“Yes <i>please</i>…. Please, please touch me, please touch me, please-”</p>
<p>He hummed, amused by your desperation. His thumb started working your dick in circles. It was painfully slow, it was too little pressure, and he fucking knew it.</p>
<p>“Mmmmhmm, there’s my boy. Is this what you like?”</p>
<p>“Mm…” you leaned forward into his touch, “almost…”</p>
<p>“Oh, <i>almost</i>?”</p>
<p>That shit-eating grin, you swore to God, you could have slapped it off his beautiful face. A sharp exhale puffed out of your nose.</p>
<p>“I need more, I need to cum. <i>Please</i>.”</p>
<p>“Mm, I love how you beg,” he said, his voice suddenly louder. He pressed his thumb hard against that spot, really giving it to you now. “Fuck yeah. <i>Fuck</i> yeah.”</p>
<p>“Oh Kylo, ohhh fuuuuuck…” Your voice sounded thick with need. You weren’t in control of it. He could make you rattle off like an idiot or howl like an animal. And you didn’t give him that power. He took it.</p>
<p>“That’s right. You better cum hard for me.”</p>
<p>“Ah… Yes, sir…”</p>
<p>You saw his reaction in slow motion: eyes blazing and jaw clenching.</p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s right. There’s those manners.”</p>
<p>“Yes, sir. Yes, sir.” You threw your head back.</p>
<p>“Cum on my fingers,” he ordered, slamming them into you without warning.</p>
<p>You were touching yourself while he fucked you hard. You felt the pleasure climbing like the first hill of a roller coaster, click-clacking in that ominous way, seconds away from falling, no turning back.</p>
<p>When it hit you, you <i>screamed</i> his name. You’d never screamed during sex before. Your legs twitched and your hole clenched too tight around him, feeling so full and stretched. He watched you with approval, pulling your climax out from deep inside you.</p>
<p>“Fuck!” your voice cracked. “Holy fuck…” </p>
<p>“Mmmmmmm-hmm,” he agreed. He looked entirely delighted with his performance. You both laughed a little.</p>
<p>He stayed down there while you caught your breath. He planted wet kisses on your inner thighs, where you were extra sensitive. You reached for his soft hair, feeling so warm and connected to him, wanting to make contact with all of him. Just then your wrist gave out and you accidentally smacked him.</p>
<p>“Sorry.”</p>
<p>He said nothing, just bit your hand. You squirmed. How can every little thing he does feel <i>so good</i>?</p>
<p>He massaged your wrist a little. “You’ve been working hard today.”</p>
<p>You smiled dreamily and tapped your chest with both hands to invite him up. He kissed his way up your body, finally getting to your lips where you savored the taste of your cum on his tongue. He smiled and nestled into your chest.</p>
<p>Kylo hummed, giving his body up to gravity, his arms limp at your sides. His weight on you was a comfort. You cradled his head and stroked his hair gently.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” you said softly. </p>
<p>“Mmmm.”</p>
<p>The post-O glow was melting into all your extremities. You felt warm, safe, pain-free.</p>
<p><i>How can I memorize this?</i> you heard the thought ring out unbidden. <i>How can I come back here when we’re apart?</i></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Safe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Brief depiction of mania/paranoia.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I wanted you to stay last night.”</p>
<p>Across the dead air, you imagined Kylo gritting his teeth. Not one to think before he spoke, unless he was overcome with feeling. Anger, or need. The pause was a bad sign.</p>
<p>You took everything as a bad sign.</p>
<p>“You didn’t ask me to stay.”</p>
<p>“I know,” you said. “I was too anxious.”</p>
<p>
  <i>Excruciating. Embarrassing. You’re so embarrassing.</i>
</p>
<p>“I’ll stay next time.”</p>
<p>The way he said it was so simple. Even while your smile lit up, you heard the intrusive thoughts firing off. Overlapping like the finale of Self-Hate: The Musical. But you were getting better at this. Kylo took you at your word. He deserved the same.</p>
<p>“Are you still there?” he said softly.</p>
<p>“Yes. That sounds good, Kylo. Text me later?”</p>
<p>“Will do.” You could hear his lovable smile across the dead air.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>You were manic. Full-blown, transparently manic. Everything seemed to be moving at half-speed, except for you. Your heart was racing and your mind was lapping it. You were back home, lying on the couch. You weren’t blinking. Your fingers were vibrating, clasped together on your stomach, you could feel the molecules bouncing around. Your sister was researching mania on the other couch. She found a listicle and scanned it urgently. “‘You may feel threatened.’ That makes sense, you are kinda scary right now.” “No,” you said, “That means that <i>I</i> may feel threatened. And I do.” Her eyes widened and she looked back at her screen, chewing her lip. They were going to take you to the hospital unless you managed to play it cool. Then your mother came into the room and attacked you out of nowhere, grabbing your shoulders and shaking you. You stood up, threw a punch, watching your fist fly away from you in slow motion, totally disconnected from your body. You boxed her ears and saw an inhuman rage overtake her face. One thing was clear, your family had turned against you. You’d have to find some way to survive this. You tried to run, but your feet had turned to sludge. You tried to yell “I’m fine!” but your throat was dry as sand. The scene started to shift. A flurry of TV static swept across your vision and warped to black.</p>
<p>You seized awake. The half-light of 5 am was starting to poke through the blinds. “I’m in my apartment,” you whispered to yourself. <i>Not at home. Not manic. It wasn’t real.</i></p>
<p>You were lying still, the panic still gripping your body. <i>It wasn’t real.</i></p>
<p>You put an arm out and felt around for Kylo, finding him behind you.</p>
<p>Then you rolled over and embraced him, pulling him closer. His strong frame was an immediate refuge. He sniffed and returned the hug.</p>
<p>“Hi,” he said in the sleepiest voice. Your heart glowed at the sound.</p>
<p>“I had a really bad dream,” you said, nuzzling into his neck.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, it’s over.”</p>
<p>You breathed deep.</p>
<p>“You’re okay.”</p>
<p>He fell silent and just held you. It was exactly what you needed.</p>
<p>You knew he had nightmares too, and while that didn’t make you <i>happy</i>, it was comforting in that moment. Even after several minutes, he wasn’t letting go. He was going to see you through until morning. Your breathing slowed and your jaw hung a little loosely. Sleep was taking you again, but it was a gentle pull. Not a nosedive, not a threat. You smiled to yourself, looking forward to waking up in your boyfriend's arms, tomorrow morning and plenty of mornings to come.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>